infernal eclairs.
After sitting patiently on the shelf for 2 years Eli ("The postage was how much?") Roth's 'homage' to flesh-eating foreigners is finally upon us.
Oh joy.
The Green Inferno (2013).
Dir: Eli Roth.
Cast: Lorenza Izzo, Ariel Levy, Daryl Sabara, Kirby Bliss Blanton, Sky Ferreira
Magda Apanowicz, Nicolás Martinez, Aaron Burns, Ignacia Allamand, Ramón Llao, Matías López and Richard Burgi.
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| "Activism is so fucking gay!" |
Wannabe social justice warrior and part-time flautist Justine (Mrs. Roth herself and star of Aftershock, Izzo), having plenty of money but very little common sense decides to fill her spare time by joining the pube-bearded, big business battling Alejandro (Promedio Rojo's Levy) and his merry band of do-gooders on a trip to the Amazon to save some trees.
The group aim to achieve this by dressing up as Bob The Builder and shouting random stuff whilst tied to a tractor in a forest.
Obviously they'll be filming the whole thing to put on the 'interweb' so it all kinda makes sense.
Her cynical roommate Kaycee (box-faced popster Ferreira giving a performance so wooden that I ended up with splinters in my eyes) is unconvinced by all this touchy feely stuff and reckons that Justine just wants a wee bit of Alejandro ass action, which I must admit I can see the appeal of - especially as it'd mean you wouldn't have to look at his frighteningly horse-like face.
But alas (for us that it) she fails to convince Justine to stay at home and get pissed instead, as does her UN attorney dad so off she flies - alongside chubby buddy Jonah (FX artist Burns), blonde bimbette Amy (Blanton, from the US version of The Inbetweeners - yes, such a thing exists), the tastefully tattooed, lusty lesbian Samantha (Apanowicz from some stuff), Lars (Spy Kids Juni Cortez himself, Sabara), Daniel (aftershock and Promedio Rojo star Martinez - there's a pattern here) and Alejandro's massive mouthed girlfriend Kara (Allamand) - to sunny Peru, home of Paddington Bear, pot smoking, noseflutes and violent arse banditary.
And that's just in Lima.
At this point I just thought I'd add that there are actually a couple more people along for the trip too but frankly I can't be bothered listing them, I mean this lot are forgettable enough and they're supposed to be the leads.
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| "Oh no....I forgot stamps!" |
Arriving at the airport the merry band are greeted by the funder behind the protest, the swarthy Carlos (López, father of Saved By The Bell star Mario and husband of Jennifer) who - after a quick snack and 15 minute travelogue tour takes the group off to the rainforest to begin the protest.
As predicted the protest does indeed go 'viral' as you young folk say, thanks partly to an angry logger putting a gun to Justine's head but mainly due to the whole thing being unimportant filler to take take up running time whilst we await the cannibal action.
Anyway, after a bit of bitching from Justine who has realised that her dad's job would guarantee the group publicity the group board a plane back home.
Unfortunately one of it's engines explodes and the plane crashes into a forest, resulting in a grisly demise for creepy Carlos and a few faceless extras falling out of fuselage in a comedy manner.
Luckily for viewers with weak stomachs the good looking cast members (and Kara) survive and bravely drag themselves from the wreckage.
By that I obviously mean the plane wreckage, I doubt anyone could survive the state of the film in general.
Hearing spooky noises coming from the trees and noticing the distinct smell of warm milk wafting from the bushes the group shout for help only to be attacked by spear-welding, nappie wearing natives.
Which is nice.
Kara, having the largest face is first to fall thanks to a spear in the head whilst the rest of the group are quickly taken out with tranquillizing blow darts before being carried off to a big canoe ready for the journey to the native village.
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| "Recorded delivery is HOW much?" |
Taken roughly up the jetty by what looks like a brightly coloured Ramones tribute band clad in chamois leather nappies and placed in a bamboo cage, the group look on in horror as Jonah is dragged away to meet the tribal elders, magnificently played by Bonnie Tyler and a blacked-up Shawn Ryder.
Disoriented due to a lack of cake, Jonah mistakenly thinks he's appearing on Stars In Their Eyes and begins to belt out a corking rendition of Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay but this is unfortunately cut short when Bonnie messily gouges out his eyes and scoffs them before pulling out his tongue and ordering the rest of the tribe to dismember him.
Now if Harry Hill had done this on the revamped show it’d been a ratings winner.
But the horror doesn't end there.
Well I say horror but mild indifference would be a more apt phrase.
Justine, Samantha and Amy are dragged out of the hut and paraded in front of the tribe whilst a by now visibly aroused Bonnie (either that or it's deceptively cold) sticks a sharpened thimble into their fannies to see if any of them are virgins and therefore suitable to perform The Shangri Las hit Leader of The Pack in the semi-finals.
Or something.
I think this may be important as I remember a bit earlier when Justine's college lecturer was doing a talk on Roald Dahl's The Big Friendly Giant and how it was sexist or something tho' I'll admit I'd popped out for a fag at that point so I can't be sure.
You never know he might live in the woods and the tribe sacrifice virgins to him a bit like in Devil Hunter but with fewer genital warts.
I mean on screen obviously, I've no idea about the crew.
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| So what is the difference between a post box and a vagina? |
Anyway back to the plot where it is revealed that Justine is indeed a virgin (yeah sure) which appears to make the tribe very happy indeed.
But not happy enough to let them all go obviously
Someone who isn't very happy tho' is Samantha who, driven mad by the lack of fanciable fanny in the village devises a cunning escape plan that involves dressing up as a tiger and hoping that the guards spot the mistake let her loose so she can then run off into the trees and get help.
Who from?
Fucking George of The Jungle?
Surprisingly this plan works and Samantha, resplendent with a luxurious tail fashioned from knotted bits of Amy's pubic hair runs to the river, steals a canoe and quickly paddles downstream.
Just like big cats don't.
As day turns to night and night turns to day (trust me the whole movie feels like it unfolds in real time), the tribe bring the prisoners yummy bowls of soup for lunch.
Is this an act of kindness or a set up for a cheap thrill?
Guess.
As Amy begins to lick the bowl she notices a piece of skin stuck to the bottom and instantly recognizes it as one of Samantha tattoos.
Realizing she has just been scoffing her pal, Amy smashes the bowl and uses it to cut her throat.
God knows what she'd done had she eaten her whole.
Tho' the lesbians I know tell me that they usually spit that bit out.
I thank you.
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| "Shite in mah mooth!" |
Remembering his spy training from when he was a youth, Lars stuffs his marijuana stash into Amy's throat hoping that when the tribe eat her that they'll all get stoned and fall asleep allowing the survivors to attempt another half arsed escape plan that will no doubt lead to more deaths.
Meanwhile Alejandro, whilst enjoying a swift wank (no really) gets to the point of the film, explaining - in very simple to understand words - that the protest they carried out was really in order to let Carlos, who owned a rival logging company to get the contract.
This is because the real world is a bad place full of naughty people.
Right on.
Bizarrely enough the plan works and the tribe all pass out giving Justine, Daniel and Lars time to escape.
Unfortunately Alejandro, being a patented bastard but more importantly needing someone to help him masturbate after spraining his wrist last time, pricks Lars with a discarded Tranquillizer dart and he falls back into the cage.
Fearful of being covered in eggy man muck Justine and Daniel flee into the trees as Alejandro shouts random stuff about conservation, survival of the fittest and teabagging at them, leaving Lars to his fate.
Which is to be eaten by snack-obsessed tribesfolk in a cack-handed tribute to the climax of Day of The Dead minus the skill and deft-direction that made that movie so enjoyable.
Why am I surprised?
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| I can see you through the door You been chewing bread and water And there's a grudge on you You know you not ought not to have You've been running around the racetrack You've been running around the racetrack Put that mudder to bed to bed Put that mudder to bed And oh yeah...get in mah belly! |
Meanwhile Justine and Daniel have managed to find not only the plane wreck but also a working phone in Kara's pocket.
Unfortunately (again) Justine stops for a quick game of Candy Crush Saga and to update her Facebook which gives the tribe ample time to catch up with them and drag the pair kicking and screaming back to the village where Daniel is tied to a tree and fed to some crap CGI ants whilst Justine is stripped naked, wrapped in a bandage and painted white in preparation for the BFG ceremony.
I'm assuming the rest of the film looks so cheap cos all the cash went on paying the Dahl estate.
Will Justine be rescued or is she destined to spend the rest of her days being pawed by a big hairy brute?
I mean in the movie obviously, there's no way I'd comment on her personal life.
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| Damn you spellchecker! |
Brainless, clueless and ultimately ball-less, Green Inferno purports to pay homage to the gut-munching cannibal greats of the 'video nasty' era but singularly fails to see what made the originals such good fun in the first place.
Replacing gore and grainy footage with quick cutaways and digital shininess and the originals (albeit) skewered world view with an almost infantile 'the world is full of bad people who will eat you up' message does not an entertaining movie make - and when the film's biggest shock is from seeing the cock and balls of the wee boy from Spy Kids in glorious high-definition then you know that you're onto plums.
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| "Fiona! Where's mah lunch?" |
The cast (bless 'em) do their best with what they're given but even then it's not enough to hold any interest and by the 45 minute mark you're praying for something, anything of note to happen.
And when the cannibals actually do turn up there's absolutely no rhyme or reason for anything they do, they're just generic, racially stereotyped cardboard bogeymen leering at a group of even more annoying and clichéd teenagers.
Roth should've had the balls to just black-up actors and put bones thru' their noses and be done with it.
At least then he'd have garnered a better reaction than the tired shrug of shoulders that the film gets.
Green Inferno?
Shit Inferno more like.
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