Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Caught this little gem t'other day and thought I'd share.
I'll try not to give too much away because it's actually worth seeing.
Rammbock (AKA Siege of The Dead. 2010).
Dir: Marvin Kren.
Cast: Michael Fuith, Anka Graczyk, Theo Trebs, Sebastian Achilles, Carsten Behrendt , Melanie Berke, Emily Cox, Mila Gach, Harald Geil and Jörn Hentschel.
The morosely miserable Michael (the sensible jumpered Fuith, looking like cartoon dog Droopy made flesh) has recently (and unceremoniously) been dumped by his long-term girlfriend Gabi (moonfaced Graczyk whom you may recognise from Das letzte Versteck or then again, you may not) via a phone-call.
Arriving in Berlin and using the frankly feeble excuse of having to give her the house keys back as a reason to see her (and hopefully win her back) Michael is surprised to find not his true love at home but a fat sweaty builder and his young YTS apprentice Harper (Trebs from the enchanting Lilly the Witch: The Dragon and the Magic Book), who are incredibly busy moving stuff around and painting doors.
Well Harper is.
His bouncy boss appears to be trying to have sex with a radiator.
Must be a German thing I guess.
|"Hello? French polishers? You might just be able to save my life..."|
Yup, definitely a German thing.
Managing to wrestle the deadly decorator out of the front door and down the stairs, michael and Harper hastily barricade themselves inside Gabi's apartment just as the whole world outside seems to go to hell in a helmet.
Running to the window to see the cause of the commotion the hapless pair can only look on in horror as the building is suddenly surrounded by hordes of foaming mouthed mentalists with only one thing on their mutated minds.
|"Oh no! Here come the Bin men!"|
Reaching for his phone to try and call Gabi, Michael notices it's not in his pocket.
suddenly there's a ringing from outside the front door.
After much deliberation and armed only with a makeshift slingshot and a pair of rubber gloves our heroes attempt to reclaim their only link to the outside world.
And Michael's only way of contacting Gabi.
But at least they can phone home now and tell their loved ones that they'll be late home for tea so it's not all bad.
Sticking the phone out of the window to try and get a signal, Michael notices the group of surviving neighbours across the courtyard all gazing from their balconies, desperate for information and maybe even a glimmer of hope that someone, anyone can help.
|"It's Julian Assange, he says he's shagging your mum".|
With food and medicines in short supply and the infected hordes moving ever nearer the survivors know they can’t remain in their homes indefinitely.
So Michael, still obsessed with Gabi's safety, hatches a plan to escape the besieged bedroom,rescue his true love and find a way of reaching the other survivors before it's too late.
|Rick Melton must have been busy.|
First up, please don't be put off by Revolver Entertainment's bloody abysmal, lowest common denominator re-branding/retitling of Rammbock (they must have spent all their cash on the upcoming release of A Serbian Film, it's got a booklet and everything) as Siege of The Dead, with it's photo-shopped publicity still zombie and non appearing helicopter gunships, burning buildings and the slightly important fact that the 'infected' in the movie aren't actually dead because if you do you'll be missing a really effective little movie.
I say little because having a running time of just over 60 minutes, I can't decide whether to class it as director Marvin Kren's debut short feature or his forth (albeit longer) short film.
Saying that tho' he manages to fit more action, scares, giggles and pathos into it's meagre running time than most film's twice it's length.
Or three times it's budget.
Blessed with a fantastic cast and superb pacing, particularly during the film's second half, Kren adds just enough touches of his own to the proceedings to lift it above yer normal running zombie straight to DVD fare and puts most of the UK (and US) undead output to shame.
Plus it has one of the funniest bear suit moments I've ever seen.
|Up the arse from an undead Wendy Richards....every man's dream.|
And whilst Rammbock doesn't re-invent the genre or stray too far from the 'under seige' formula, what it does achieve with it's tiny budget, cast and running time is nothing short of marvellous.
So basically, if you only see one subtitled film distributed by Revolver in the next few months make sure it's this one.
Right, I'd better get back to watching shite and typing laugh now....feeling all funny here.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I've been told I'm not been reviewing enough utter shite recently, meaning people are starting to think this is a serious film blog.
Well, I'll soon fix that.
Thanks to Mr. Dissolvedpaul for aiming this abomination my way.
Born of Earth (2008).
Dir: Tommy Brunswick.
Cast: Daniel Baldwin, Brad Dourif, James Russo, Randall Godwin, Jennifer Kincer and Shannon Zeller.
Five years ago, bearded behemoth Danny Kessler (the fat Baldwin, literally oozing alcohol and shame thru' the screen) witnessed the murderous mutilation of his (admittedly fairly plain) wife and kidnapping of his unpleasant looking and chronically overacting children by a group of rubbery (why thank you!) shite-covered, nappie wearing underground beasts who then disappeared into his rose bush.
The local authorities, assuming that the poor bloke had lost it, blame the killings on a rampant weasel family, leaving a distraught Kessler to leave town to try and rebuild his life.
Nothing like a happy opening is there?
|"I bet you a tenner I can make this table move without using mah hands!"|
Heading off to meet him at a nearby signing, Kessler is shocked to see how many other people share the same story (tho' why it should be such a surprised when he's spent the last five years reading about it is one mystery the movie doesn't address) and attempts to fight his way thru' the, ooh, dozens of extras queuing patiently to meet the Prof.
But Niceman's burly bouncer has been given the job of turning anyone who looks a wee bit like a nutter away.
Which counts the sweat stained Kessler out then.
Luckily he has something that no other person there has.
And no it's not a Screen Actors Guild card.
It appears that Kessler is the only person ever to have been bitten by one of these beasts and survive.
Well, whoopie fucking doo.
|"Quick! to the AIDS Mobile!"|
Referring to his notes Niceman realises that it's always the same date every year that these creatures take the children and in the five years since Kessler's kids were taken the number has been multiplying at a huge rate.
Scribbling some rubbish on a napkin the professor is alarmed to discover that if his calculations are correct the creatures will attempt to abduct every child in America this very evening.
Yup, even the really fat ones.
Making his excuses, Kessler decides to finally face his demons and return to his former hometown in the hope of saving his sister-in-law Kelly (fish lipped and boss eyed Kincer from Unbeatable Harold) and her (by the looks of it) middle aged daughter Haley (the hamster like Zeller, best known for her standout performance in Shoot First and Pray You Live- Because Luck Has Nothing to Do with It).
Christ I've seen some shite.
Finishing his drink and saying something profound to his team, professor Niceman decides to follow.
|"Can mooth shite-in get me pregnant mum?"|
Arriving in town just before teat time, Kessler pops in to see his sis-in-law and fill her in (ooeerr) on his theories whilst Kelly, arms flailing like an epileptic windmill desperately tries to remember her lines.
Giving Kelly the book to read Kessler makes her an offer she can't refuse.
And before you asked it's not a bit part in next years Celebrity Rehab but a chance of a free night out at the funfair.
The deal is that if those pesky beasts attack they'll all be safely out of town (and sugared up to the eyeballs on candy floss) but if they don't attack they'll at least have had a nice night out.
Never one to turn down a freebie, Kelly agrees, giving Kessler a couple of hours to go visit the cemetery.
But not before he's stolen some flowers from a neighbours garden to put on his wife's grave.
No doubt he'll keep a few back to put on the remains of his career.
But not everyone is pleased to see our portly pal, as we discover when the local sheriff (Russo from Argento's Trauma and Donnie Brasco, looking like a man whose ex wife is after extra cash) interrupts a major business meeting between some cardboard Jehovah's Witnesses and the mayor (Dourif wearing one of Sylvester McCoy's old suits-as well as his wig).
The pair decide it would be best to pick up Kessler and run him out of town.
Well your guess is as good as mine, seeing as it turns out that the mayor is as much in the dark about the creatures as anybody else and his 'shady' business deal is trying to get a swimming pool for his new house on the cheap.
But try as they do to build the tension, that prize is taken by Professor Niceman as he and his team try valiantly to find the road that leads into town before they run out of petrol.
Edge of the seat stuff I'm sure you'll agree.
|"Jings an' crivens it's tha' Siiiiiiiiibearmon!"|
Oh and the smell of fresh shite.
It seems the creatures have begun to rise from the earth and are looking for food.
But on finding neither they settle on chowing down on the deputy, giving our hero enough time to steal his car and drive back to town.
Where all hell is breaking loose.
Well, I say all hell but to be honest all that's happened is that one of the creatures is eating the mayor's new doors whilst a few others are rubbing their arses on Kelly's freshly cleaned windows.
Will this excitement never start?
|Brad Dourif, up the casino, Ipswich, 2008....YESCH!|
|Insert cock here.|
Well imagine, if you will all the crappier bits of Nightmare City, The Gate and Demons mixed with a smidgen of Jaws and Hollyoaks and an added touch of Tremors for flavouring. Boil until shapeless then sprinkle with a dash of shame and egg white, leaving the whole thing to fester for a month in a tramps pants and you're someway to appreciating the celluloid shite-box that is Born of Earth.
Directed (if that's the word) by horror cinemas very own big bad mama, Tommy (Thomasita) Brunswick and backed with the stiffest actors this side of a porn film, the budget can barely stretch to keeping poor Daniel Baldwin sober and watching the poor sod emote for all his worth, convinced this is his great comeback is probably the most frightening (and uncomfortable) thing on screen.
|Kelly's fridge: The best performance in the film.|
The rest of the cast just seem to stand around either looking smug (stand up Professor Niceman's assistant) or comatose, the exception being Sir Bradley of Dourif who just stands around being, well Brad Dourif really.
Fuck knows how Brunswick got him onboard but I for one need to see the incriminating evidence for myself because whatever she's got on him must be really bloody juicy.
To be honest she could have caught him shagging her kids but come on lady let the punishment fit the crime because no-one deserves this on their CV.
Not even Simon Philips.
As for the rest of the poor sods on show here there's much fun to be had trying to figure out just who is really the older (and most human) out of mother/daughter team Jennifer Kincer and Shannon Zeller.
What with Kincer's almost radioactive orange skin, carp-like lips and jerky body movements coupled with Zeller's hugely out of proportioned moonhead, stringy, greying old lady hair and ruddy almost burn victim complexion, both actresses are far more terrifying than the actual monsters on show in the movies finale.
Ah and what monsters they are.
I have to admit that there's some kind of perverse genius at work from whoever decided to cast skinny homeless children as the creatures, covering them in green emulsion before tying a pair of huge grannie pants to them, shaving their heads and gluing a selection of knock-off Lord of The Rings Orc masks onto their heads.
I've heard of folk being arrested for less.
No doubt social services were busy investigating that Serbian rubbish that day.
|"If you were a bottle of meths I'd drink you hen!"|
To be fair tho' I did experience a kind of dirty pleasure when watching this movie. You know, the kind of feeling you get when you secretly piss in your pants when you're at the theatre or in the cinema when you know no-one will notice and for that I can only be thankful.
Just please don't make a sequel.
I don't think my bladder (or my laundry bill) could cope.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Well everyone else seems to have an opinion (and a couple of those folk have even seen it) so who am I to miss a wee bit of bandwagon jumping?
On a more serious note the kids are off because of the snow so I wanted something we could watch as a family.
A Serbian Film (AKA Srpski Film. 2010).
Dir: Srdjan Spasojevic.
Cast: Srdjan Todorovic, Sergej Trifunovic, Jelena Gavrilovic, Katarina Zutic, Slobodan Bestic , Ana Sakic, Lena Bogdanovic, Luka Mijatovic and Andjela Nenadovic.
There are a load more folk too but my spell checker just had a breakdown.
|"start with the little one."|
Milo, former member of The Tweenies and semi-retired Serbian porn star (Todorovic, allegedly but I reckon it's really David Spade of Saturday Night Live fame) lives the good life with his beautiful wife Bela (Eastern Europe's very own council estate Famke Janssen, Gavrilovic, bless you) and their young, pretty lipped son Jake.
What he lacks financially he more than makes up for in his home life and buddy buddy relationship with his wide-faced brother, Marko (Bestic from the fantastic Serbian teevee hit Metla bez drske) , a white suited policeman with horses teeth.
Don't be too surprised to find out he's the good looking one in the family, after all they are Serbian.
But deep down our sexy friend is worried that his meagre savings wont be enough to support his family in the future and has taken to swigging Jack Daniels straight from the bottle and leaving his porn stash around for his wee boy to see.
A bit like my childhood then.
Then one day out of the blue Milo's former co-star, the frighteningly pneumatic Lejla (Zutic) contacts him with an offer he'd be hard put to refuse.
Or just hard judging by his past performances.
It appears that bushy bearded millionaire pornographer cum artist cum in mah mooth director Max Vukmir (Trifunovic, who once made a film with Nicolas Cage) is a fan of Milo's earlier work (especially the episode where Doodles goes missing and Fizz loses her hair ribbon) and is intrigued by his legendary erection skills
Milo, it is rumoured, can keep - and maintain - a massive hard on just by thinking about it.
No big deal really, I've got one whilst I'm typing this.
|"I'm shagging your weans!"|
Vukmir is determined to take porn out of the gutter and into the realms of 'true art' and to this end offers Milo a huge wad of cash to be the movies star. The only rules are that Milo must remain ignorant to the films plot, never interacting with the other performers off stage as to keep his reactions 'true'.
If he agrees to these demands a car will arrive to pick him up every morning and he will be supplied with an earpiece where instructions and direction will be relayed to him.
Milo reckons that it sounds a pretty easy job for a lifetime of potatoes and Vodka (or whatever those pesky Serbians class as luxuries) so signs up straight away.
I mean none of it sounds at all sinister.
|"No! I'm shagging your weans!"|
A few days later (after a series of 'Rocky' still training montages intercut with shots of Marko having a wank whilst thinking of his sister-in-law) Milo is taken up the local social work offices where he's filmed reacting to a woman shouting at her daughter before being led into a room where the very same woman (I think seeing as the casting brief seems to have read 'Wanted: rough as fuck, interchangeable blonde women with builders thighs') gives him a blow job.
So far so so, if not for the fact that the room is full of giant screens showing the woman's daughter putting on bright red lipstick and sucking on a long sticky lollipop during the whole thing.
I'm assuming this has a hidden meaning but it was a wee bit too deep and intellectual for me to understand.
|"And I'm watching him shagging your weans!"|
Thinking to himself "Wahey! I'm getting paid to get girlie gobbles!" Milo begins to enjoy revisiting his old life until that is he's led into a room and is expected to let a battered and bruised woman touch his tadger whilst the young girl from earlier, dressed this time like Alice in Wonderland, sits and watches him.
Milo, obviously embarrassed to have his cock out in front of such a wee lassie has a major hissy fit and refuses to continue but as he goes to leave the battered bint bites down on his manhood whilst one of the crew appears from the shadows, grabbing Milo round the throat and forcing him to comply.
Milo is not a very happy chappie.
|"I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head. Crush. Crush".|
Wiping his cock on his trousers he storms off to see Vukmir, hoping to get to the bottom (fnarr) of what's going on.
It comes as a surprise to Milo (but to no-one watching) that despite the charm, well trimmed facial hair and a government contract, Vukmir is a bad man (hey! Do you think that the director is trying to say something about authority here? Maybe he's hinting that those well spoken Serbian politicians with their fancy suits and big words could really be bad men too?) and alongside his job as a minister for childcare and the like is head of an organisation that produces 'specialist porn for the more discriminating viewer.
One such project, explains Vukmir excitedly, in a scene that rivals The Mother of Tears in it's misuse of a Baby Alive doll, involves a fat man delivering then shagging a newborn baby whilst the mother (not too surprisingly played by a rough as fuck, blonde with builders thighs) looks on approvingly.
Give me a minute whilst I fire off an angry letter to my local MP.
|Somewhere to park the directors bike at least.|
Reeling from the shock revelation (well it's either that or he's so fucking offended that someone would attempt to pass off such a shoddy effect as being even remotely realistic) Milo stomps off to his car and drives off, not realising that Vukmir, just for a laugh, has spiked his with bull Viagra which, when given to humans (or even Serbians) creates a highly aggressive, permanently aroused sexual state that leaves the unfortunate victim open to all manner of suggestion.
Coming over all woozy (which makes a change from having to endure shots of him coming over various, unattractive women's faces), Milo pulls over to the side of the road where almost immediately he's approached by a whorish brunette (I reckon it's the directors sister) who reaches into the car are starts fondling his cock.
|Scarper! It's the parkie!"|
The next thing Milo knows is that three day have passed and he's at home in his bed, encrusted in blood and semen, beaten to a pulp and with no memory of anything post the dirty bird hand job.
To most folk reading this would be a normal Saturday night, but as we've come to learn Serbia is bad (as are it's rulers, women, fashions etc.), so Milo heads back to Vukmir's pad to find out the truth.
Or at the very least find a stash of poorly hidden video tapes containing everything that's happened over the last seventy two hours.
Within minutes of arriving at Vukmir's (now deserted) house, Milo has indeed found a stash of tapes and decides to go into the garden to view them.
Well it is a sunny day, which I gather is unusual in Serbia where it's more likely to be raining virgin's tears mixed with shame.
Armed only with a plate of egg and cress sandwiches and a weak lemon drink Milo begins his videotaped trip into terror.
High on the bull Viagra and totally under Vukmir's power, poor Milo is forced to shag the ample arse off a (you guessed it) nude yet still rough as fuck, blonde women with builders thighs (and arms) who's been thoughtfully handcuffed to a bed whilst Vukmir rants on about Serbia, Serbian war heroes, Serbian weather and Serbia in general.
Yup, I'm pretty sure all this violence is metaphorical.
This rousing speech regarding national identity is bought to a thrilling finale when Vukmir orders Milo to cut the woman's head off with a handy machete in order to allow him to experience the ecstatic joy of rigor mortis rogering.
Out of all the people in this scene she was the one I now felt the most jealous of, yes I know this poor woman has been raped and murdered but as a plus point at least she hasn't got to listen to all this teen angst political bollocks anymore.
Unlike the viewer who has at least twenty five minutes of this shite left to deal with.
Tape two consists of footage of Milo, off his tits, naked and chained face down on a sofa bed being anally violated by a hunky blond man.
So not all bad then.
|Gerry McCann was shocked to find his cupboard was bare.|
Pausing only to wipe the blood from his arse, Milo tentatively loads the final tape and finds himself looking at Lejla bound by the wrists and hanging in the middle of the set from Hostel, her face swollen and bloodied from having all her teeth removed.
Just like the Serbian government removed workers rights to vote on International X Factor or something.
Suddenly a granddad-panted man with a bin bag on his head enters the room and forces his cock (well an obviously rubber representation of one) down her throat until she suffocates.
Milo is visibly stunned by what is revealed on the tapes.
How could Vukmir lie about making art porn with proper plots when he's really producing so-so, been there, seen that torture porn that went out of fashion around five years ago?
But that'll have to wait as there's only fifteen minutes left and there's plenty more buggery fun to fit in before then.
His memory returning thanks to the tapes, Milo begins to remember more and more details about his missing days.
And frankly it doesn't get any more entertaining.
|Srdjan Todorovic, up the arse, Serbia, 2010....he fucking wishes.|
After being dragged off the street where a gang of teenagers have caught him having a wank in an alley, Milo is taken back to Vukmir's where he's given even more drugs before being taken into a huge white lit room.
The room is empty save for a big bed where two bodies, all covered save their arses, one peachy and one fairly scrawny are waiting for him.
Milo is told to take his pick.
Deciding to take the easy (and more rounded) bottom first Milo opts for the big round one, pulling his best stroke face and grunting whilst what sounds like a disco version of the theme to The Terminator pounds from the soundtrack.
I take it that this is meant to be fairly serious and a mite disturbing then.
|His boots might have been made for walking but his mooth was definitely made for shite-ing in.|
Finishing up with a loud squish Milo hops over and gets to work on the smaller of the two bums, whilst the mysterious Y-Fronted masked man from earlier enters the scene and the (by now soggy seconded) first arse, grinning and groaning as he humps away.
Removing his mask at the moment of climax, Milo is shocked (well as shocked as a junked up arse raper can be) to see his brother grinning back at him, but that's not the worst of it, for the bottom that both of the sleazy siblings have just violated belongs to none other than Milo's wife, off her (fairly attractive) tits on a massive cocktail of drugs administered by the villainous Vukmir.
Surely this powerful and disturbing scene shows the "monolithic power of leaders who hypnotise you to do things you don't want to do"?
Well according to the film's ruddy faced, leather box jacketed writer Aleksandar Radivojevic it does and he wrote E-Snuff and reviewed a couple of horror films once so he knows a thing or two about, erm, stuff.
My personal opinion is that he's a huge fan of Japanese guro manga artist Uziga Waita from whose work huge chunks of A Serbian Film's imagery seems to have been lifted from wholesale.
Or am I the only person to notice this?
|"To me!" "To you!"|
Anyways, back to the 'plot' and as Milo tries to process what he's just seen (and done) he notices the covered figure beneath him start to stir.
Slowly pulling back the covers Milo is horrified to see that he's spent the last ten or so minutes shagging his own son up the shitter in a scene that could almost be seen as a stark visualisation of the molestation of the Serbian populace by the faceless Serbian government.
Well if you listen to Radivojevic (again) I'm sure that's what he'll tell you.
And if you're easily led (and easily pleased) you'll probably nod sagely and agree with him.
Rather than telling him to get to fuck, finishing your drink and leaving.
So with Milo finally realising the full horror of the situation, his mind snapping as he's dragged kicking and screaming back to reality the full base energy of a man betrayed comes to the fore, fuelling and act of savage violence not seen since Milan Stanković performed Ovo Je Balkan in Oslo to a mildly apathetic audience in early 2010....
After months of rumours, cancelled showings, moral outrage and reviews using words like 'resonance' and 'transgressive', the cinematic equivalent of two middle-class teenagers left home alone for the weekend and deciding to amuse themselves by shouting "Cunt!" at passers-by is here.
Billed by it's distribution company, Revolver Entertainment as 'an uncompromising, artistic and political statement from a unique film-making vision' rather than the more honest 'It wants to be a wee bit like a lobotomised Old Boy but with a uniformly uglier cast', A Serbian Film is one of the few cinematic experiences that has ever left me with no feelings toward it whatsoever.
Like an angry child it tries to act and sound like an adult as it screams and shouts in the corner, it's shrill voice getting louder and louder as it demands your attention.
But on taking time out to listen you realise it really has nothing to say.
Unlike writer Radivojevic and director Spasojevic who quite cleverly (and/or cynically) have manage to wrap their movie up in a big shitey bow made up of all the bad bits of recent Serbian history, hoping that some of it will stick to as many wannabe intellectual journalists as possible and lessen the duo's chances of getting found out as the second rate hacks they really are.
Spasojevic is quoted as saying that "You have to feel the violence to know what it’s about".
Well if this is the case then I'm sorry but he's never been kicked hard enough.
But with him being in the public eye at the moment his chance may come sooner than he thinks.
I do hope so.
November saw us here at Unwell Towers mourning the passing of Yoshinobu Nishizaki, producer of the fantastic Space Battleship Yamato, as well as Addison Powell, best known for playing Dr. Eric Lang on American spook soap Dark Shadows and Baby Marie Osborne, the first major child star of American silent movies.
November also saw the deaths of top Dominican television producer, comedian, writer, actor and Arena fave Freddy Beras-Goico, Croatian rock god and Eurovision Song Contest star 75 Cents alongside America's fattest cat Prince Chunk.
Also beaming away on one last mission alongside Robbie The Robot was Commander JJ Adams himself, Leslie Nielsen who'll probably be working Heaven-side with the cinematographer of Futureworld and Lost in Space, Gene Polito.
Sad news for all lesbian vamp fans as Hammer horror queen and Doctor Who star, the buxom Ingrid Pitt bit her last virgins throat last month, joining the director of the greatest SF film ever made Irvin Kershner and Samuel Cohen the American physicist who invented the neutron bomb.