Friday, December 21, 2007

slay ride.

A festive film favourite with the kids for you now.....

Black Christmas (AKA Silent Night, Evil Night, Stranger in the House 1974).
Dir: Bob Clark
Cast: Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, John Saxon, Michael Rapport, Lynne Griffin, Marian Waldman, Andrea Martin.



Photobucket

If this movie doesn't make your skin crawl... It's On Too Tight!


Tis the season to be jolly, there's snow on the ground, love in the air, the smell of chestnuts roasting and, in a sorority house at an unnamed university, the students (including a pre-mentalism Margot Kidder and pony faced Olivia Hussey) are receiving a series of obscene phone calls from a strange perv nicknamed the moaner.

Photobucket
"No deal".


No one takes his calls seriously tho' and some actually look forward to his nightly messages, that is until one night there are the screams and gasps of a woman in the background.

Photobucket
"Try and shite in mah mooth now you bastard!"


Cutesy Co-ed Clare Harrison (Lynne Griffin) becomes moaners first victim, a plastic bag wrapped around her head as shes dragged to the attic and sat in a rocking chair, but, it's only when a 13 year old girl goes missing that local police good guy Lieutenant Fuller (top hard man John Saxon) begins to take things seriously.

Meanwhile the moaner is continuing his calls and long chinned, flaxen haired Jess Bradford (Olivia Hussey) becomes the main focus of his attentions. Spookily he appears to know she is pregnant and considering an abortion and even goes so far as to quote conversations exchanged between Jess and her angry boyfriend Peter (2001's Keir Dullea saddled with really gay hair) which understandably causes the police to think he's the prime suspect, making him a wee bit angrier than normal.

Adding to all the stress of the on campus killings is the fact that kindly 'house mother' Mrs. MacHenry (Marian Waldman), has lost her beloved cat. Luckily she finds the precious moggy in the attic, unfortunately she also finds the killer, who promptly wedges a hook in the face.

Photobucket
John Saxon receives a call from his agent
offering him the lead in Cannibal Apocalypse.


Fuller pools all his resources to stop the moaners reign of, er..moaning, unfortunately his only mistake is to discount the bizarre 'second extension' that is built inside the sorority house, thinking that there would be no way a killer would hide inside it, listening to peoples conversations, actually making calls from inside the house etc.

Using the dulcet tones of the local carol singers (who just happen to be visiting the house) as cover, the killer stabs busty Barb (Kidder) to death with a statue and, when she goes to check on her, murders Phyllis (Andrea - I appeared in the remake too don't you know - Martin) too (can you tell the climax is approaching fast?).

Photobucket
"Hallo? French Polishers?
you might just save my life!"


The police are hot on the trail and manage to trace the moaners calls.....to inside the house!

Fuller warns Jessica to leave the house immediately and wait for him outside but, being a girl she gets lost on the way from the living room to the front door and heads upstairs (armed with a poker at least) instead where (surprise) she is jumped by the killer.

Managing to escape she runs back downstairs completely missing the front door (again) and heads into the basement.

Photobucket
"Door?...no, teevee set?...no, um
hang on I know this one..."


And who could be skulking there? yup it's her grumpy guy Peter, whom she is convinced is the killer.

As he approaches her to talk Jessica bludgeons him to death with the poker.

Ouch.

Photobucket
Vote Saxon.


The police arrive to find her hunched over Peters body and decide that the case is closed. It's possibly their Christmas night out so understandably they want to get everything down as soon as, you can imagine the conversation between Fuller and his men; "Aye, that Peter was a wee bit angry with his girlfriend not wanting to marry him so he must be the killer and the fact that we've found his aforementioned estranged girlfriend leaning over him holding a bloody poker means it must have been him! Right! mines a Babycham!".

They pack up the bodies, clean up the blood and bid their farewells to Jessica, leaving her alone (in a major crime scene) to sleep off the excitement of her friends being murdered and killing her boyfriend.

We cut to the attic one last time and see that there are two dead bodies that have yet to be discovered......a mans voice whispers out thru' the darkness.

"Agnes, it's me, Billy."

The phone begins to ring.

Possibly the first of the modern 'slasher' cycle made famous by Halloween and Friday The 13th, the late, great Bob Clark's genre defining Black Christmas is unfortunately overlooked by all but the most rabid horror fans and Clark is better known for his seminal holiday classic A Christmas Story and Porky's than for this and the fantastic Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things. Which is a shame as Black Christmas has much to offer, not just of historical interest but as a darn good frightener in its own right.

Photobucket
Hat.


Featuring a decidedly eclectic cast—from Superman's Margot Kidder to cult stalwart John Saxon via the Star Child himself Keir Dullea, and many shots and set ups that would become genre mainstays, Clark's movie, with it's Christmas setting almost co-incidental to the plot (apart from the aforementioned Carol singing scene) deserves to be sought out by any self respecting film fan if only to see where the stalk and slash histrionics started.

It's not too late to rush out and buy it to watch on Christmas Eve (tho' make sure you don't pick up the shite 2006 remake by mistake).

Friday, December 14, 2007

bruce almighty.

Finally unleashed on the world wide web, the trailer for My Name Is Bruce, starring (and directed by) the genre god that is Bruce Campbell.


Wednesday, December 12, 2007

the best of jimmy olsen.

For your enjoyment.....the top ten exciting adventures of Jimmy Olsen, Superman's 'Pal'.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

new uses for sticky tape (part one).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

library power!

The world needs more librarian super heroes.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

just visiting.

That quality Italian publication 'Terror' presents 'The Visitors' a horrifying tale of badly drawn alien invaders and ladies arses.

Enjoy (if that's the right word).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Our aliens friends arrive on
Earth for what looks like a picnic...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
But not before destroying
some small bushes (the swines)...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
...and trashing an ant hill!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
From nowhere they accost a hairy nippled lady
and plonk her down on
the ants destroyed home...


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Arriving in the local village they tie
everyone up and zap them a bit.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Luckily the 'Space Police' arrive and
arrest them. Earth is safe!
Hurrah!

any excuse.

Just noticed I've not posted a picture of Asia Argento for ages so here you go.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

drop dead gorgeous.


Sexy images of 'Glamour' models (alright not bad looking Italian girls) are being used to sell coffins for an Italian funeral parlour by featuring in a 'raunchy' (if you find grumpy stares raunchy) calendar.

Rome-based undertakers, Cofanifunebri have released pictures of the twelve pouting princesses showing off caskets on the firm's website.

Maurizio Matteucci, the 32-year-old son of the parlour's owner, came up with the idea, hoping that the pictures will encourage people to "loosen up" on the subject of death (or if you're like me, get excited by bored looking Italian girls draped over coffins).

Aside from selling printed calendars for 9.30 euros plus shipping, the Cofanifunebri website also offers coffin-shaped cigarette lighters, tobacco tins, dead Catholic girls in amber (possibly) and watches.


But the money-spinner has 'outraged' traditionalists and caused a flood of complaints.

One customer,
, whilst eating spaghetti, collaborating with Nazi's and stroking his greasy black hair condemned the website as "a masterpiece of bad taste", while others accused the firm of "tasteless exploitation and defiling death".

Despite this, Mr Matteucci said finding the models was not difficult. He told reporters: "Some of them are friends, two are American. And none of them were particularly offended - they all took it with a touch of good humour."Attacking those who complained (no doubt in the style of a killer from an Argento movie), he said: "They think they have a monopoly on pain and that we don't know what it means. But they're wrong, we do. We just don't think the best answer is to go around being miserable."

Well said.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

reasons to love cbeebies (part 5)

Nina And The Neurons


Shown on the CBeebies channel to help pre-school children understand basic science. The show is the brainchild of Lucille McLaughlin, producer of the junior Wicker Man that is Balamory and the Sheila Keith tribute show Me Too!.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Nina: I would.


The show feature hot science boffin Nina (
Katrina Bryan - also the shows writer) and her scarily animated, X-Men like neurons (obviously) each representing the five senses:

Felix (the Wolverine of the group) - Touch
Belle (Jean Grey) - Hearing
Luke (Cyclops) - Sight
Ollie (Beast) - Smell
Bud (Nightcrawler) - Taste

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Don't attempt anything without the gloves!"


Each episode begins with the lovely Nina experimenting on some children (sorry, with some children) at the Dalek City like Glasgow Science Centre, before she is 'contacted' by a child asking a wee/fart/slightly scientific question. Jumping into her
pale blue 1970's Volkswagen Type 2 minibus (numberplate: NINA) she turns up at the kids house, forces their parents/grandparents/carers to wear really tight man breast/old lady tit revealing t-shirts and attempts to answer their question using experiments relating to one or more of the five senses.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Collar and cuffs.


Episodes to look out for include the one where she flies to Spain to explain why we need to piss. It includes great scenes of our lab coated lovely drinking lots of pop then wriggling about with her knees together going "Oh oh I need a wee!".

Possibly the most erotic thing I have ever seen on kids teevee.

Fact.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

in a slightly different vein...

....here's Rom The Space Knight being kissed by a small girl.

Aw sweet!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Monday, December 3, 2007

and talking of the 60's.....

Here we present the ultra rare Yvonne Craig photo shoot from the January 1968 issue of Modern Man: 'The Adult Picture Magazine'. Too torrid for tots indeed!

Click to enlarge (oooeeerrr).


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

...for those who didn't believe...

...that Joan Bakewell was a top 60's strumpet....behold!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

november stiffs.

November has been a bad month for Unwell folk with many of our faves journeying to the undiscovered country (from where no traveller returns).

Most importantly this month was the passing of Verity Lambert at the age of 71.
The BBC's first female producer (and top 60's teevee totty alongside Joan Bakewell and Diana Rigg), Lambert was probably best known as the first producer of the world's greatest teevee show, Doctor Who.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
The luscious Lambert.


Lambert began working in television in the 1950s, and continued to work as a producer up this year.

After leaving the BBC in 1969, she worked for other companies, notably Thames Television and Euston Films, and from 1985 ran her own production company, Cinema Verity, producing such classic shows as Adam Adamant Lives!, The Naked Civil Servant, Rock Follies, Minder, Widows, G.B.H. and Jonathan Creek.


Robert Craig "Evel" Knievel, Jr. was an American motorcycle daredevil, movie star and toy famous around the world for his frankly mental stunts, including his 1974 attempt to jump Snake River Canyon at Twin Falls, Idaho and all the stuff with the rocket car jumping the Grand Canyon. Let's hope he's attempting to jump the pearly gates as we speak!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
He'd have a better chance of
flying using those collars.


Jeanne Bates, the American actress famous for her roles as Bela Lugosi's first victim in Return of the Vampire, playing the sexy sidekick to Tom Tyler's original Phantom and as Mrs. X, in Eraserhead died aged 89.

Her last roles included Die Hard 2: Die Harder and Mulholland Dr.


Tony Holland, co-creator of EastEnders and the toptastic Eldorado died of an 'ilness' aged 67.
No doubt he will soon return from the dead at some point and end up buried in the Queen Vic cellar.


Bizarro death of the month has to be that of 18 year old American student Emily Sander, who on discovery of her body, was revealed to be the internet nude model Zoey Zane. In an almost Lynchian turn of events, investigators are looking into whether her modeling had anything to do with her disappearance.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Fire Walk With Me.


Also this month Mel Tolkin, head writer for Sid Caesar's Your Show of Shows died aged 94 as did Michael Blodgett, 68, American actor and screenwriter most famous for Beyond the Valley of the Dolls in which he played sexy playboy Lance Rocke.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
You'd Lance his Rocke.....twice.


Monty Westmore, part of the third generation of the Westmore family of American make-up artists in film and television worked on over 75 films and teevee shows since 1950. Most famous for being Bette Davis' personal make-up artist on the films Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? and Straight-Jacket, he later served as Paul Newman's personal make-up artist on seventeen of the actor's films over the course of nearly three decades.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Not mine honest.


One of television's first "weather girls", TV-AM star Tricia Williamson died in a car crash aged 52 and finally Paul Leroy Norris, co-creator of the world's greatest superhero Aquaman and for an artist (for 35 years!) of the newspaper comic strip Brick Bradford has gone to Davey Jones' Locker.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Aqua-dad.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket



Owen Wilson however, is still with us.