Thursday, November 29, 2007

random violence.

For those who say that there's too much violence against the fairer sex on this site, Enjoy!

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

hulk smash puny humans.

Best. Toy. Ever.

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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

now then, now then.....

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Monday, November 19, 2007

my recurring dream...

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yon-sama vs bruce willis.

I have no idea what's going on.....

Friday, November 16, 2007

cheer up sam!

Just found these pics of dear old Sam Raimi at the premiere of 30 Days of Night.....what the hell has happened to the jovial joker that gave us The Evil Dead?......

Hollywood claims another soul.

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

under the covers.

Bad (and I mean very bad) book covers......enjoy!


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Wrong, wrong wrong.



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...As envisaged by a blind, wooden
handed five year old.




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Fake name, shit socks.




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Chewbacca's sex face....nooooo.



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"Oh no! the cat's bled on a gravestone!"




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Finger-licking good!



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Spock farted....and it was an eggy one.



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I have nightmares about Mr. Cat-hand...



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"Eat my pie!"

pants.

How about these for you or a loved one this Christmas?


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Monday, November 12, 2007

the islamic rites of dracula.

Zinda Laash (AKA Dracula in Pakistan, The Living Corpse 1967)

Dir: Khwaja Sarfraz.

Cast: Ala-Ud-In, Asad Bukhari, Cham Cham, Latif Charlie, Deeba.

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The kindly, yet oh so slightly hat stand Professor Tabini has spent his whole life trying to create a magical elixir that will quite literally hold back death. Unfortunately for him, things go a wee bit awry when he tests the potion as it causes the poor fella to drop dead.

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"You mean you've never tried
Buckfast hen?"


Luckily he has a cardie wearing yet very foxy assistant on hand who knows what to do when her boss croaks it. Yup, she carries him down to the cellar and pops him in a coffin.

Which is nice, if a little abrupt.

It's then she discovers the bizarre side effects of the serum...it seems that the elixir has caused him to rise from his grave and start dressing in Bela Lugosi's hand me downs (well I hope they're his hand me downs seeing as he was buried in his cape and suit....hate to add grave robbing to Tabini growing list of misdemeanors).

Ms. Foxtress is surprised to say the least when she finds him wandering around his castle but not half as surprised as we are when he greets her by chomping down on her neck.

Something tells me he's become a vampire!

It's not long before the handsome Dr. Aqil, tired and hungry from his long journey...erm...somewhere arrives at the Professor’s humble abode looking for food and lodgings (but not, i hasten to add a vampiric encounter).

Tabini camply greets Aqil in all his dinner suited glory and quickly takes him upstairs to 'show him to his bedroom' (I don't know about anyone else, but when men of a certain age have rushed me upstairs we've at least discussed payment first), taking way too much interest in the photo of Aqil's fiance that falls from his overnight bag.

Maybe Aqil could have avoided trouble when sleeping in strange old men's houses by wearing a picture of his missis in a heart shaped badge on his lapel but then maybe he fancies a wee bit of camp count action for a change.

Aqil is woken from a restless sleep by the dulcet tones of a woman singing to find the professors assistant clad only in a sheer, granny style nightgown saucily undulating and generally being a saucy minx in an attempt to seduce him.

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Britney's sex tape in full.


The sight of a full hipped dusky beauty in a flowing nightie obviously does something for him as he's soon under the hypnotic spell of professor Tabini....a man of science now possessed by an evil supernatural force.....

Will Aqil's family notice he's missing? and how will they manage to free him from Tabini's (and more importantly the foxy vamp vixens) power?

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"I fang you".


Borrowing wholesale from (including samples of the scores) the Hammer and Universal Dracula cycles by way of a Bollywood style make over, Zinda Laash delivers exactly on it's English title, 'Dracula in Pakistan'.

Switching seamlessly from classic Gothic terror to song and dance scenes at the drop of a cape, the movie also adds some unique touches to vampire lore, whereas the 'western' Dracula has the ability to shape change (mostly into a bat in screen versions) Tabini is more likely to hop into his car for a quick getaway. Same goes for Dracula's use of his 'persuasive' powers, Tabini just beats the shit out of people.

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"Oh Vic...I've fallen".


It's this mix of the familiar and downright bizarre that make this movie (Pakistan's first ever X rated) such a joy to behold, plus it pisses over that Gary Oldman/Winona Ryder travesty and most other modern 'serious' vampire movies.

Which is a good thing really.



Friday, November 9, 2007

hail to the king!

Coming soon...........Nuff said!

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Wednesday, November 7, 2007

hobby lobby cards.

Fantastic lobby cards from my favourite underwater Nazi zombie movie, Zombie Lake....Enjoy!

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forgotten cinema legends (part 13).

"That which is not yet, but ought to be,
is more real than that which merely is."

Zoë Lund ( Zoë Tamerlis) first burst onto the cult movie scene as the mute,nervous garment worker, Thana in the Abel Ferrara classic Ms.45 (AKA Angel of Vengeance 1980) at the tender age of 17.

With it's elements of guilt, denial and religion recalling the works of Martin Scorcese and Paul Schrader coupled with Ferrara's love affair with New York coming across as the antithesis of Woody Allen's, Ms. 45 is a hard going and rarely enjoyable movie, but manages to so involve the viewer that it is impossible to turn away from the screen.

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Telling the story of Thana, the lonely mute girl constantly leered at everyday as she wanders the city, her head bowed trying to remain unnoticed as she goes about her daily existence.

But her life is cruelly shattered when she is brutally raped twice in one day by different men and Thana,
suffering horrifying flashbacks and the traumatic stress of her ordeal, decides to take revenge on any man that invades her personal space, intentional or otherwise.

From muggers to
a guy trying to return a package she has accidentally dropped, all men are fair game as Thana becomes more and more delusional, eventually donning a nuns habit and solemnly kisses each bullet in a bizarre parody of a Catholic Mass.....

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The movie, a cult hit with the notorious 42nd Street 'grindhouse' crowd was soon being championed across the board with both critics and cinema-goers seeing Thana as a feminist flipside to DeNiro's portrayal of Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver.

Ferrara and
Tamerlis continued to collaborate for many years culminating with her screenplay and cameo in possibly the directors finest film The Bad Lieutenant (1992) tho' more 'mainstream' audiences began to recognise her from her roles in TV fare like Miami Vice and Larry Cohen's low budget hit Special effects.

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Throughout this time
Tamerlis had suffered a long term addiction to heroin and it was this addiction that finally killed her. Tho' ironically not heroin, she had begun using cocaine as a 'safer' substitute whilst trying to wean herself off the drug and this caused the actresses heart failure in 1999.

At the time of her death (aged 37), Tamerlis was working on dozens of screenplays, including a biographical screenplay of Gia Carangi's life.

Considered by many to be the first 'supermodel' Carangi and Tamerlis' lives shared many of the same events and Tamerlis appeared posthumously in a documentary entitled
The Self-Destruction of Gia,in which she candidly discussed her heroin use.


beyond the cupboard (part 2).

Was just looking for Rollie's winter hat in our scary cupboard when I came across this:

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Admit it, you would (but you'd probably be thinking of her sister).

energizer honey.

Christina Lindberg, star of the cult exploitation sleazefest 'Thriller' (AKA They Call Her One Eye) advertising batteries.

Bizarre.

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Friday, November 2, 2007

oh bee-have.

Invasion of The Bee Girls (AKA Graveyard Tramps, 1973)
Dir: Denis Sanders.
Cast: William (wicki wah wah) Smith, Anitra Ford, Victoria Vetri, Cliff Osmond, Wright King, Ben Hammer, Stan Williams, Sid Kaiser.
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They'll Love The Very Life Out Of Your Body!



When a government research scientist
is found naked (apart from his socks) and dead in a roadside motel just outside Peckham (a different Peckham, so don't worry that Nicholas Lyndhurst's gonna turn up) the US State Department sends tough guy special agent Neil Agar (William Smith, not the one from Bad Boys and Men in Black, but the one from Chrome and Hot Leather and The Swinging Barmaids) to investigate.

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Jeff was fearful of the realistic
lady hand puppet.


Agar’s first stop is at the home of the last person to see the scientist alive, the sultry head of the dead scientist’s department Julie Zorn (Vetri, fresh from messing up pavements in Rosemary's Baby and playing Gary Seven's sexy humanoid cat in Star Trek). At first evasive and blunt with Agaris about what she was doing in the scientist's company that night, but Agar eventually shakes the information out of her as she delivers the Oscar worthy dialogue:

“Alright! We balled! And we balled and we balled and we balled some more, until finally he dropped dead!”

Investigating further (and with Zorn in tow) Agar makes a horrific discovery, an epidemic of fatal heart attacks linked only by the fact that the men involved all popped their clogs while engaged in the 'sex' act.

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The other Prince of Bel-Air.


Joe Q. Public start blaming the local science lab whilst erstwhile local 'sex researcher' (and closet S and M queen) Henry Murger (King) reckons it's a new disease and begins trying to convince folk to stop shagging for a bit till it's sorted.

Unfortunately there appears to be nowt else to do in the town except have sex, so the death toll continues to grow.

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"Laugh now".


As the stiffs get stiffer the real cause of the sex deaths is gradually revealed.. it appears that a group of shapely, sexy and sunglasses clad ladies are behind (and on top of obviously) the mounting pile of corpses (which is actually quite an erotic image).

The big question now is.....how? (and why, but that would be two questions).

Enter nutty as squirrel shit entomologist Susan Harris (Ford) who, whilst studying bees and stuff has discovered that it's possible to merge bee DNA with that of a lady.

For what purpose I have no idea.

Anyway, Harris has a secret lab in the basement of the research centre and an army of semi-nude, bisexual, female helpers all decked out in groovy Jackie O sunglasses to that answer to her every whim.

Luckily for the viewer her main whim appears to be getting her posse to smother captive naked women in custard, subject them to bursts of radiation then locking them in a cupboard full of bees, transforming them into sex crazed 'Bee Girls'.

Again, I have no idea why.

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"Show me the money (shot)".


So it's left to an angry Agar and gruff police captain 'big' Jim Peters (Osmond from the fantastic Hangar 18) with the help of 'scientists' Stanley Williams (Kaiser) and Herb Klein (Ben 'Beast Master' Hammer) to discover the truth behind the epidemic.....but they better hurry, as Harris has kidnapped Zorn and she's next for the oily nakedness....

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"I love you....could it be magic?"


From Denis Sanders, the writer of the fantastic Creature from the Black Lagoon and Nicholas Meyer, later to co-write and direct Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, comes this bizarre tale of sexy girls, fist-fights, pervy sex, violence, hairy backed old men getting naked and erotically charged nude motorbiking.

Oh, and bees.

So is Invasion of The Bee Girls a satire of 70's sexual attitudes or an incredibly sexist exploitationer relying on copious amounts of T and A to film it's meager running time?

Who cares? it's got nude ladies being smeared in honey by other nude ladies to a wonderful 'Ooooow wooooo woooo' spooky scifi soundtrack.

Buy it now.




october stiffs.

It's that time of the month when we say goodbye to those Unwell (literally) faves that have shuffled off this mortal coil in the last four weeks....


First up (and just scraping in) is Linda Stein, former Ramones manager and real estate guru who was tragically beaten to death at her home (is there any other way you can be beaten to death but tragically tho'?) at the age of 62. Tho' I don't think her age was a factor.

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Washoe the African born chimpanzee who was believed to be first non-human to acquire human language died of influenza at the ripe old age of 42.


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World famous tent dwelling tramp Josef Stawinoga, the 87 year old hermit who made his home on a roundabout on the Wolverhampton ring road popped his clogs this month too. Local council officials are currently trying to rehouse the millions of fleas from his beard.


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Rock god Paul Raven (of Ministry and Killing Joke fame) dropped dead of a heart attack aged 46.


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British writer, satirist and 'wit' Alan Coren lost his battle with cancer at the age of 69.


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And finally the last surviving member of the Rat Pack, Joey Bishop died aged 89....


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Seems that Owen Wilson is still holding out so stayed tuned for that.

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