Friday, June 29, 2007

seduction of the gullible.

The calm before the censorship storm?....BBC news brings a 'lively' debate on 'torture porn' (the new name for horror movies featuring "sadistic torture, mutilation and murder - often with women as the victims - are central to the plot".) Which is nice.

Tim Masters full article can be found here:

but I figured it'd be more entertaining to take the piss (well at least I'm honest). Enjoy:

"The last three weeks alone has seen Vacancy, Captivity and Hostel: Part II playing in cinemas across the UK" an obviously terrified Tim writes.

"Hostel: Part II is the follow-up to Eli Roth's box office hit from early 2006 in which a group of male backpackers fall prey to a torture ring in Slovakia" (obviously this can't be one of the culprits as the main victims are men but there you go) "And a poster campaign for Captivity (one that was mistakenly used and actually pulled by the distributors, but that doesn't make good copy) was pulled earlier this year in the US after complaints about the graphic images featuring the film's lead Elisha Cuthbert" (the new one featuring her being buried alive with her breasts pushed towards the viewer is ok tho').

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The original poster pulled for being too violent or
just too cluttered and badly designed? you decide!

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The acceptable face (and breasts) of fear.

In an attempt to bring an experts opinion to the proceedings Master's quotes Mark Kermode's review of Captivity from Radio Five Live:

"It's a grotty, nasty, sleazy, infantile piece of dung" said the bequiffed skiffler. Lets be honest tho' if you're a 'proper' serious fan of the horror genre you just know that something like Captivity is going to be utter rot and the only folk that'll enjoy it are the ones like the really awful woman in pink that appeared on the Dawn of The Dead remake ads going "It's sooo much better than the original!" when you knew for a fact that she wouldn't know the Romero version if it came up behind her and took a chunk out of her ample arse.

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Kermode: sleazy
and infantile.

"Last year, another torture-flavoured film, Saw III, grabbed headlines after reports of punters fainting in the cinema".

But if you're gonna pay good money to see factory produced lowest common denominator bollocks like a Saw movie then fainting in the cinema is the least of your worries.

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The only way you'd get
me watching Saw III.

"A clever marketing ploy perhaps, or are these films really pushing the boundaries of violence and on-screen bloodshed?" pushing the boundaries of dumbing down films perhaps....

Masters then goes on to review the movies (worth reading for a laugh at least) before 'bumping into' top horror bod and Argentofile Alan (our mate John has shagged him) Jones (I never just happen to bump into him in the street after seeing a movie....why?)

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"Caught enjoying Vacancy? fined £300!"

"There is nothing new in this," he says. "People have been on stone slabs being tortured by people since Frankenstein."

"But is there a difference when the horror has no fantasy element?" Asks a somewhat confused Tim because obviously 'horror without a fantasy element' is something like Schindler's List or The Killing Fields but seeing as they're 'proper' films they don't count.

"That's the problem - most people can write off the Hammer movies because they can be explained away as fairytales" answers Jones. "But with Hostel it's dealing with what people don't really want to address. And that is that the guy who's standing next to you in the supermarket queue could be a serial killer. Not just somebody who is obviously evil." He adds before running home to check for The Third Mother updates: "People like Eli Roth remember the first time they went to see a horror film and how much it shocked them, and they want to replicate that for today's audiences."

I can see this running and least till the 'moral majority' find another scapegoat for societies ills. Surprisingly tho' John Beyer, head of Mediawatch and self appointed moral guardian of Britain has been conspicuous by his absence during this debate. He's no doubt too busy with his good Christian pursuits like outing gay police officers and sending threatening letters to BBC employees after the Jerry Springer Opera contraversy. Probably.

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Beyer: Self righteous arse.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

spicy nik naks

I couldn't let the most important (entertainment) news story of the year pass without a mention (a pity I know but there you go) but it's come as a bit of a shock that top pre-packaged pop princesses The Spice Girls have confirmed they will reform for an attempt at world domination in December.

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Nice 'n' spicy (girl power not shown).

The full line-up has not 'performed' on stage since Gerard Spice Gert Halliwell quit in a hail of gunfire and accusations of forced child labour in her secret lemonade mines in May 1998.

The 11 dates announced include 15 December, 12 August, 28 March and Ascension Sunday.

"I think for us it was about celebrating the past, enjoying each other (in a non sexual way) and it's about our fans. It was the right time, plus child minders don't pay for themselves," said Halliwell (not the film guide).

The only British date is in London, with the venue not yet confirmed. The other European dates include Cologne and Madrid.

'Fears and doubts'

Earlier this month Melvin Chisholm, also known as Spakky Spice, probably told someone she had resisted reforming the group in the past because "it was amazing, it was magical. We could never recreate it plus I was too off my tits on Buckie down the swing park to care".

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Spakky: Off her tits.

Asked why she had gone back on her word she said: "A girl is allowed to change her mind and also they've cut my benefits and job seekers allowance, it was this or the chippy".

"I think really all of us have had our fears and doubts but we feel that the time is right."

Halliwell added: "It was kind of now or never."

Collar and Cuffs

All five women laughed, fondled and joked constantly with photographers and reporters, even good-naturedly crucifying one journalist.

There had been rumours they would perform at the Concert for Diana memorial show in London on Sunday, but with Emma Bunintheoven currently pregnant they decided not to appear.

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Bunton: Up the duff.

"We would have loved to have been there this weekend but the timing has been impossible for us," said Chisholm.

As the conference drew to a close, all five women left the stage holding hands as Brown was heard to possibly shout, "Fuck you Murphy! I told you the kid was yours!"

The mind of evil

The tour is being put together by Simon Fuller, whose 19 company masterminded the group's global success more than a decade ago.

Under his guidance, the five-piece notched up a string of hits - including Wannabe and 2 Become 1 - while almost prostituting themselves with a stream of sponsorship deals ranging from Pepsi to home euthanasia kits.

Emma Bunton, Mel Brown, Melvin Chisholm, Victoria Adams and Gert Halliwell quickly became household names - although they were better known as Child, Fright, Spakky, Pish and Gerard.

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Victoria: Pish.

They sold more than 55 records around the world, and even starred in a film, a prequel to Frank Herbert's Dune called Spice World.

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"Screw you Brown!" Tempers
frayed on the Spice World set.

Halliwell quit in 1998 citing "That bitch Brown" as her reason for leaving, the rest of the pop combo forced (under pain of death) to complete a sold-out world tour as a foursome.

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Gert: eggy.

Since 2001 each member has pursued solo careers with varying degrees of desperation, while Pish Spice has become better known as the arch enemy of He-Man and the host of Tales from The Crypt.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

reason to love cbeebies (part 4)

After months of research that would put Indiana Jones to shame I've finally found information on the ultimate Cbeebies may know her as the (non) bearded librarian in Story Makers or the voice of Jelly in the same show...but true fans know her as.....

Aliex Yuill

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"Quiet in the library or the ickle chick gets it!"

The stunning, intelligent (and stunningly intelligent) multi talented true star of Cbeebies has worked in many fields of television production. From her humble beginnings as a runner on the Vanessa show to the puppeteer/voice of dipsy Jelly on the hit library based TeeVee show The Story Makers via chaperoning Sir Bobbie Charlton at the ITV show Music Hall of Fame, Aliex is a consummate professional, bringing an unbridled realism to her role as 'hot librarian' taking what could be seen as a mere walk-on character and making her a living breathing flesh and blood creation, her hopes, dreams and fears visible to the audience thru' the simple yet effective use of her eyes and the phrase "That's home time everyone!"

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The mark of Mr. Tumble.

When not acting, directing, producing or presenting, Aliex loves nothing better than relaxing to the sound of her brother James' 'folktronica' sound (his second album is out now) and, showing a real caring side not usually seen in so-called 'celebrities' has taken time out to teach in Ghana at a small village school on the outskirts of Cape Coast.

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The reaction to the restraining
order was greeted with surprise.

Currently touring with the Springwatch roadshow, who knows what Aliex will turn her hand to next? I'll have to carry on sitting in the tree opposite her house to find out.

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Blind Date: The Wilderness Years.

Monday, June 25, 2007

a stitch in time.

It must be the start of bizarro week but scarily David Tennant is to feature in Cross Stitcher magazine's Stitch A Star this month, which shows how to create embroidered portraits of celebrities......

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Davey boy appears in issue 189 of the magazine, which goes on sale on Thursday, June 28. Just have to ring my nan now.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

ban this sick filth.

After a nice peaceful lull in British censorship (Ex-DPP banned list films getting released uncut, no moral outrage...almost normal i guess) it's back on the agenda with the BBFC banning a 'violent' video game (the first one in over a decade).
Oh dear.

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Just looking at this screencap can make you a killer.

Reported over on auntie Beeb it appears that:

The video game Manhunt 2 was rejected for its "unrelenting focus on stalking and brutal slaying", according to a British Board of Film Classification spokesperson.

It means the Manhunt sequel cannot be legally supplied anywhere in the UK.

Rockstar Games the designers of Manhunt 2 have six weeks to submit an appeal.

The last game to be refused classification was Carmageddon in 1997. That decision was overturned on appeal.

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And this one as well.

David Cooke, director of the BBFC, said: "Manhunt 2 is distinguishable from recent high-end video games by its unremitting bleakness and callousness of tone and there is sustained and cumulative casual sadism in the way in which these killings are committed, and encouraged, in the game."

The original Manhunt game caused huge controversy amongst our moral protectors and those who hadn't played it upon it's release and was blamed for the murder of Stefan Pakeerah. who was stabbed and beaten to death in Leicester in February 2004. Although Police said robbery was the motive behind the attack on Stefan, his parents believe the killer, Warren LeBlanc, 17, was inspired by the game, much in the same way Rambo was to blame for the Hungerford killings even tho' Michael Ryan didn't own a video recorder.

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Artists impression of someone
who has played the game.

Stefan's mother has branded the gaming industry "morally irresponsible".

"We have been campaigning against these games for a long time and the BBFC made the right decision," she said.

Manhunt's maker Rockstar North has always insisted its games are geared towards mature audiences and are marketed responsibly.

Leicester MP and professional band wagon jumper Keith Vaz, who campaigned with the family against the original version of Manhunt, praised the decision to ban Manhunt 2.

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Vaz: Smug bandwagon jumper
(kids with cancer for a good photo
opportunity not shown).

He said: "This is an excellent decision by the British Board of Film Classification, showing that game publishers cannot expect to get interactive games where players take the part of killers engaged in 'casual sadism' and murder."

Strangely he never mentioned social inadequacies and care, lack of support amongst communities or unemployment etc. for any of societies ills.

Good job he's found that it's really video games and films to blame for all of the countries problems. He deserves a medal.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

reasons to love cbeebies (part three)

She's possibly the sexiest French girl on UK TeeVee today with her fiery red hair, yellow tights and the sauciest accent this side of Serge Gainsbourg...I can only be talking about


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The sexy star of Tots TV, Tilly shares a secret house with 'friends' Tom and Tiny and their pet donkey, often venturing out to explore an everyday part of the human world.

This also sometimes involved them using their 'magic sack' (or sac magique as Tilly breathlessly said in the title song) which they always took with them.

Although Tiny always carried it, Tilly was the one who best knew how to manipulate this 'sac magique'.....bringing forth the very item needed to help their situation.

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Tilly's Magic Sack. Snigger.

Not only was Tilly beautiful and intelligent, but was also an accomplished musician, wowing everyone by whipping out a magic flute and entertaining the crowds with some top freeform jazz.

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"Je suis une Tot."

Rumour has it that TeeVee exec's desperate to make French more appealing to a xenophobic British audience secretly transfered Beatrice Dalle's life essence into the Tilly puppet using an ancient Voodoo technique to ensure that male viewers would stay the picxtures below show, this is looking increasingly likely (plus what's Beatrice Dalle done since The Addiction?).

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The real-life Tilly, dirty
French burd Beatrice Dalle.

Whatever the truth may be the Totty-rific Tilly will always be our number one French fancy.

Sorry, I came over all tabloid there.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

forgotten cinema legends (part 8)

The beautifully pixie like Jessica Harper has appeared over a dozen bizarre and quirky films during her career, two in particular mark her out as a cult favourite, Brian DePalma's musical masterpiece The Phantom of The Paradise and the Dario Argento classic Suspiria.

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Harper: elfin.

A funked up 70's retelling of The Phantom Of The Opera, DePalma's Paradise showcases her fantastic voice and almost Bambi-like screen presence and it was this performance that bought her to the attention of
Dario Argento, when he cast her in the lead role of Suzy Banyon in his horror opus Suspiria.

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Harper: elfin and concerned.

Harper is perfect as the American ballet student falling foul of a witches coven in a German school. Her wide eyed innocence and child-like frame adding an almost fairytale feel to the character, helping to take one of Argento's finest films to another haunting level.

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Harper today: older yet still elfin like.

Her last screen role was as a corpse in Steven Spielberg's so-so Minority Report, but these days Jessica is better know as an award winning singer/songwriter specialising in stories and songs for children and co-author (with her sister Lindsey) of four children's books.

Which is kinda sweet for someone I remember stabbing one of the Three Mothers in the eyes with a needle as a kid.

Monday, June 18, 2007

forgotten cinema legends (part the 7)

Possibly the most famous Hong Kong Category III actress in the history of movies, loved (and lusted after) to this day even tho' she hasn't made a film since 'retiring' in 1997 and as famed for her large (fake) breasts and pixie like frame as she is for her screen roles.....lets celebrate the legend that is......

Amy Yip

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Born on 10th June 1965 in Hong Kong, Amy Yip first came to prominence in the early 1980's in such TeeVee shows as Jui Gao Man Ng and Feng Hua Shuo Ming before hitting the big time (and the big screen) with Liao Zhai Yan Tan (AKA Erotic Ghost Story 1987), a playful tale of three vixens who, after meditating for 1,000 years are able to shed their animal natures and become human. The youngest sister saves a poor scholar from bandits and falls for his charms. The other sisters follow suite and before long, he's had all three of them (dirty man).
The sisters invite him to stay with them but then the giggly sexiness takes a sinister turn.....

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Charlie Dimmock: HK style!

Yip was an instant hit appearing in such classics as Sex and Zen, Robotrix, She Shoots Straight and Lethal Contact. Her femme fatale looks and voluptuous figure mixed with her surprising willingness to poke fun at herself made her a favourite amongst both sexes.

More famous than the roles she played tho' was her efforts to avoid full frontal nudity in her films through clever use of camera angles that became known as the Yip tease.

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Erotic Ghost Story: Yip scared Sheetless.

Numerous rumours have surfaced since she retired in 1997, from her marrying her long term Orthopedics surgeon-boyfriend Lim Kiam Hwee to reports of her becoming pregnant. However in a rare 2006 interview she declared that she was in a steady relationship with her boyfriend of more than 15 years, and had no intention of getting married or having children in the future and was happy away from the spotlight with no plans to reveal her breasts on screen any time soon.

Sad that.

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Yip treats her athletes foot.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

non-specific chemical leaks/toxins.... a cause of zombie mutations....could it happen?.....has it happened?.....and what films feature this frankly techno-bollocks phenomena?

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"Hallo wee Boab in?"

The only films that count are those featuring a vague chemical/radiation leak; gates of Hell, acts of God, Voodoo, resurrection by aliens and Romero's Dead saga don't fit the bill.

Romero specifically for two reasons:

A. It's a work of genius and therefore beyond taking the piss out of.
B. Night of The Living Dead (1968) at least gives a plausible reason for the zombie uprising (radiation from a returning Venus probe, overheard on a background radio report). And as we all know, this COULD happen.

Are you sitting comfortably? then I'll begin....

The first that springs to mind is Dan O'Bannon's fantastic The Return of The Living Dead (1985). Based on the 'novel' by John (none trick pony) Russo, O'Bannon wisely dumped the entire plot of this unofficial sequel to Night of The Living Dead and only used the title. Russo as we all know has a co-writer credit on the original Night but if his output since is anything to go by (Children of The Living Dead or the 'special edition' 25th anniversary version of Night of The Living Dead anyone?) then it's obvious that George was being kind to him with the credit because he put in a shit load of cash.

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Tar-Man! Tar-man! does
whatever a Tar-Man can!

As it stands, the movie sees a bumbling pair of employees at a medical supply warehouse (played to deadbeat perfection by James Karen and Thom Matthews) accidentally release a deadly nerve gas into the air, the vapors which cause the dead to rise and rampage through the sleepy town of Louisville, Kentucky.

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"Tickle it under there!"

Although a disclaimer at the beginning of the movie states that the events actually took place and the names are of real people and places, the nerve gas responsible for the leak (
245 Trioxin) doesn't exist even tho' it has a real sounding name. I can safely say that after months of research that this did not, in fact, happen and Louisville was not destroyed by a nuclear attack to cover the accident up.

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Fake soldiers unloading a
made up chemical earlier today.

The same can be said of the movies four (!) sequels. Each features
the aforementioned 245 Trioxin re-animating the dead in a variety of less interesting ways (tho' in fairness the third movie does feature Mindy Clarke as, alongside Trash in the original one of the screens sexiest zombie ever) to the general disinterest of an apathetic audience.

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A sexy zombie this morning.

Not a chemical spill as such, but another toxin (this time stolen by terrorists from a secret military base) that becomes accidentally mixed with a nameless (Filipino) city's water supply, turning the inhabitants into crazed undead features in the Italian 'shocker' Zombie Flesh Eaters 2 (1988) and it's left to three happy go lucky soldiers on leave to save the day (and save the 'sexy' chicks trapped in a camper van).

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"Wanna go for a ride in my love machine baby?"

Even tho' the local 'disc jockey' provides an ongoing philosophical commentary regarding the planets ecology and warning us of the dangers of mixing toxins and drinking water, plus the appearance of very real looking scientists say things like:
"Don't you think that once the ash is in the air, it will fall to the ground, and contaminate everything?" I'm sad to say that again, this is a work of fiction and probably couldn't happen here, which is possibly a good thing seeing as there's a bit where a flying zombie head escapes from a fridge and tries to eat people. I cried it was that terrifying.

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"I 'ate you Butler!"

The bloody abysmal Zac Snyder remake of Dawn of The Dead (2004) gives absolutely no reason for the undead plague (much the same as there's no reason for this film to begin with). The only good thing that can be said about it is the fact that Ving Rhames spends the whole film looking grumpy, talking about his 'brothers' and saying 'mother fucker' a lot, much like he does in the totally unnecessary 2007 Day of The Dead remake which at least uses the old 'virus' excuse for the zombies. Neither of these are true stories but both are indeed utter shit. Fact.

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"Fuck yo' all mutha fucka etc".

Umberto Lenzi's classic chiller Nightmare City (1980) features a bloody big radiation leak causing power plant workers to become undead, breast obsessed killers. The fact that according to Lenzi this is based on a true story makes the film all the more terrifying. Yes! this really did happen! In Italy! In the 70's! Honest!

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A zombie victim (breasts not shown).

When visiting Japan be sure to keep away from a bright green toxin called 'DNX', especially beware if there's a chance that you may accidentally inject your recently dead girlfriend with it. The misguided scientist featured in Junk: Evil Dead Hunting (2000) did this causing her to turn into a thigh boot and mini-skirted zombie vixen from Hell. Which was nice.

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A typical Japanese undead girlfriend.

Same goes for if you're trying to steal 'bio-chemicals' capable of turning people into zombies from your employee, do not under any circumstances hide them in a bottle of Lucozade as Wilson Yip's Bio-Zombie (1988) shows, this is a bit of a silly thing to do. As both of these films are from the far east (Japan and Hong Kong respectively) it's impossible to know if these are true cases or just made up for the wee films, son. A safe bet is that there is some grain of truth to them.

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A normal reaction to a friends new haircut.

Most recently a good old fashioned chemical accident (in Afghanistan of all places....little bit of politics there) was responsible for Turning Bruce Willis and his team into flesh eating zombies in Robert Rodriguez's feminist baiting (allegedly) Planet Terror (2007). Who knows what goes on in war zones (and what they may do to Bruce in secret). Is it fiction or a warning to beware our governments? (or is it just an excuse to see much blood and gore plus Rose McGowan pole dancing?)
You decide!

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When there's no more room in Hell,
sweaty, scantily clad burds on
motorbikes will walk the Earth.

A change of pace (and reason for the dead rising) now with Jorge Grau's 1974 shocker Living Dead At The Manchester Morgue. Whilst technically, oh all right, not at all related to chemicals/toxins etc the dead in this frighteningly realistic eco-warning are bought back to life by sound waves (a kind of sound based radiation if you will) designed to send insects mad and eat each other, therefore helping Britain's crop growth. Obviously this goes wrong (otherwise it would be called The Lack of Insects in UK Fields or something and not eligible for this blog), babies start biting their mothers, recently deceased tramps rise and Oirish coppers spout such lines as "You're all the same, the lot of you with your long hair and faggot clothes." at our hero George when he tries to get help. Bastard filth.

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The Living Dead At The Manchester
Morgue: mad for it.

Not only does this ahead of it's time movie show us the folly of playing God with our environment but also proves once and for all that a bra offers absolutely no protection from a zombie attack. A good point to remember methinks.

So there you have it, a comprehensive (well off the top of my head) list of all zombie movies featuring non-specific chemical leaks/toxins. There are probably plenty more tho'....see how many you can find!

Friday, June 8, 2007

doc's in spock shock

News just in from BBC health and the Lancet....a team of Canadian surgeons got a shock when the patient they were operating on began shedding dark greenish-black blood exactly like Star Trek's Mr Spock - the Enterprise's green blooded Vulcan science officer and part time babe magnet.

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Spock: magnet.

It turns out tho, that the unusual colour of the 42-year-old patients blood was down to the migraine medication he was taking and not to him being an alien.

The patient had been taking large doses of sumatriptan - 200 milligrams a day - which had obviously caused a rare condition called sulfhaemoglobinaemia, where sulphur is incorporated into the oxygen-carrying compound haemoglobin in red blood cells.

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How the patients
legs may have looked.

Describing the case in The Lancet, the doctors led by the beautiful yet cold Dr Alana Flexman wrote: "The patient recovered uneventfully, and stopped taking sumatriptan after discharge.
When seen five weeks after his last dose, he was found to have no sulfhaemoglobin in his blood."

The man had needed urgent surgery because he had developed a dangerous condition in his legs after falling asleep in a sitting position whilst watching Sex in The City. Probably.

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A reconstruction of how
he may have been sitting.

The surgeons performed urgent fasciotomies, limb-saving procedures which involve making surgical incisions to relieve pressure and swelling caused by the man's condition - compartment syndrome.

In compartment syndrome, the swelling and pressure in a restricted space limits blood flow and causes localised tissue and nerve damage.

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Or maybe like this.

It is commonly caused by trauma, internal bleeding or a wound dressings or cast being too tight.

The man's leg surgery went ahead successfully and his blood returned to normal once he eased off the drug.

According to the 'science fantasy' television series Star Trek, Mr Spock had green blood because the oxidizing agent in Vulcan blood is copper, not iron, as it is in humans.

Mr Spock had a human mother, and Vulcan father, from who he inherited his inability to make sense of human emotion, as well as his green blood. And ears. And crap bowl haircut.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

lost teevee greats (part one)

It may not seem like it to the uninitiated but topTeeVee soap Hollyoaks is the nearest Britain gets to it's own Twin Peaks (albiet one created by Dario Argento). Set in the sleepy town of Chester, Hollyoaks has had more serial killers, rapists and murder storylines than a dozen Italian giallo's whether it be in the main show or it's 'late night' spin-offs. From Bombhead keeping his mummified mother's corpse in her bed to his ghostly vists from Mr. Cunningham via the Toby serial killer storyline it just goes to show that scratch away at the repressed English veneer and something nasty is bound to crawl out.

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"I wanted crack and whores biatch!"

This is never more true than when viewing the 'ongoing' Hollyoaks serial Hollyoaks In The City, a fully fledged 'grown up' spin-off showcasing the further adventures of lovable fireman and part-time fanny magnet Ben and his pneumatic missis (and little sister of his dead best pal) Lisa after the pair move to Liverpool. The series, canceled after just one season, had the most convoluted and contrived plot this side of Profondo Rosso....intrigued? you should be...

After returning home skint from Sri Lanka, Ben and Lisa move in with Ben's friend "Tank Top" until they can afford their own place. They quickly settle in and plan to purchase a bar in Liverpool. However, Ben is tricked into handing over the deposit to nasty con men and, after being given a chance to retrieve his money by a local 'entrepreneur', Burton, Ben finds himself embroiled in a dangerous world of crime and sleaze desperate to work off his debt.

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"The bullet missed my cock by this much!"

Needing money quickly Lisa starts to work at Burton's modeling agency, Gloss, which is in fact a front for Burton's escort agency (amongst other things). Lisa befriends Polly and her flatmate Kay who both work as 'escorts' but this friendship is cut short when Kay is found brutally murdered.

With me so far cos now it gets really freaky!

The main plot now focuses on Kay's murder, with suspicion falling on nearly every character and when Kay's brother, Mickey, arrives to find answers for himself he too is slain (this time in Burton's office).

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Ben (chest wound not shown).

Just in case you forgot you were watching a soap tho' there's the storyline about the young gay schoolboy Josh, who becomes infatuated with his teacher, Adam, secretly masturbating over photo's of him, Polly's sister Debbie indulging in liberal doses of schoolgirl sex and Ben and Lisa splitting up, Ben ending up with Polly and Lisa getting nailed by most of the male characters (and a one point being drugged and spreadeagled on a bed whilst a dwarf films a big gimp masked black man standing over her. No, really.

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Adam: spunky pics not shown.

Lisa, finding she's slept with everyone she knows, briefly turns to escorting as does Ben in order to get evil Stella to let Polly give up her life of vice. Tragically everyone can see that Lisa and Ben are still in love with each other. Will true lover prevail?

Worried by flagging ratings and with cancellation looming the producers decided to tie everything up in an exciting two part climax....The revelations come thick and fast as Debbie finds out that Polly isn't her real sister and runs away; Polly commits suicide whilst leaving messages for Ben and Josh and Adam finally get together for some full man on man action but Adam (now with an insatiable taste for cock) kisses another man in a nightclub, leaving Josh distraught.

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Just wait till the f*cking starts.

The best bits are yet to come....Stella has been hiring out the escorts to an evil group of snuff film makers (the same ones that killed Kay). Lisa is kidnapped by Stella and co. to star in their latest movie....she ends up tied to a bed surrounded by naked men with cameras pleading with Stella for her life.....with Ben, Burton and Tank Top frantically rushing to find her.

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A still from the kind of film Lisa could
have appeared in (authors own collection).

The series ends in tragedy tho' when Lisa, whilst trying to escape the snuff crowd, accidentally shoots Ben in the stomach as he bursts in to save her.

The show ended with Lisa cradling a dying Ben in her arms as hundreds of armed police surround the bad men. Now that's a sight you don't get on Corrie.